It’s been a busy few weeks over here at the Applied Chaos Dynamics Control Association, and I’m just finding time to sit down at this Starbucks and write for the first time in a while. I really wish the barista would be my friend, she’s the coolest person I know, but never talks to me. I wonder if she knows who I am.
Anyway, at this unprecedented juncture in conspiracy history, I’m pleased to find that many of our fears in the Reptilian Illuminati about the instability of our plans have proven unfounded, and I’m moreover pleased to report both that Mr. Pence has been brought under our influence, and that Mr. Trump continues to be extraordinarily easy to manipulate through posthypnotic suggestion in the mass media.
For example, we’ve been moving ahead with some of our plans to manipulate Mr. Trump’s psyche in various ways, and our pursuit of Chaos has already begun an Iranian divestment of dollar holdings, which may inspire the rest of OPEC, according to plan.
We’re finding that, as in the recent past, many of our scripts for the unfolding of events in the mass media can be still be used, despite unexpected political developments. After the Neocons stole the 2000 election, we were able, in 2004, to hedge our bets by insuring that both presidential candidates were members of the Skull and Bones, initiated together; and when Mr. Obama was elected president, we were able to recycle the foreign birth controversy we had intended to deploy against Mr. McCain. Mr. Trump’s larger-than-life persona had us worried for a moment, but media consolidation has had the beneficial side-effect of reducing the number of people we need to influence directly in order to push our posthypnotic suggestion into the furthest reaches of the country. Such is the value of good planning — and why we keep telling people they want markets instead.
Soon such elaborate measures will be unnecessary, with all the sugar in processed foods continually activating infantile neural circuits in Americans, reinforced by the eager anticipation of Disney movies among adults now. The deplorable state of our DNA can even be used to our advantage, as radioactive fallout from decades of atmospheric nuclear testing have created an epidemic of autism that mitigates the need to exert control over vast swaths of the population. Once driver-less cars become commonplace, we will have entirely subverted the distinctly American symbolism of the car as the extension of individual will, initiative, and freedom, instead turning everybody into passengers taken places rather than drivers going places, taken about like the big babies they are. By the time our plan is complete, nobody will even have the means to think about what has happened anymore.
Of course, there is always the “nuclear option” of deploying an enhanced influenza to help maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature — in which case our current collaboration with the Neocon New World Order Conspiracy may prove fortuitous in additional ways — though we’re hoping this upcoming global spasm of violence will leave everybody cowed into submission once we’re done laying the groundwork for complete control. Between Anonymous and Kek, we beget the light, but darkness too is of our nature. May you live in interesting times!