Happy Belated Sol Invictus!

Well, 2019 is finally here, and thankfully all that tedious 2018 fake news nonsense can finally be over with.  Hopefully things in America can finally get back to normal now.

Since the Trump presidency has worked out quite well for our conspiracy, and our fears about the ascendancy of competing conspiracies have dissolved into alliances, it occurs to me that I should probably stop blogging the secret plans and machinations of the Reptilian Illuminati New World Order conspiracy.  If any of you know how to delete this blog, please let me know, I’d appreciate it.


Holding on to Control

Like everyone else — even those with buyer’s remorse — I’m doing what I can to cope with the ascendant Neocon New World Order Conspiracy.  It’s hard, since we here in the Reptilian Illuminati New World Order Conspiracy have been plotting for centuries to take control of the planet, and, like everyone else, we’re not sure what’s next.  The rules of the game have changed.

As we survey the new lay of the land and assess our options, we’re looking for ways to work across the aisle, as it were, to build solidarity, and to find ways to align our goals with those of our new rulers.

Last night I was at the pub with some co-conspirators, and one of my companions made note of an old piano in the corner.  One of us went over to it to take a closer look, and remarked that it was likely an antique.  I was uncertain myself, but we decided to stage an experiment to test the age of the instrument.  The keys were badly damaged and chipped in several places, and I broke off a tiny sliver.  We decided to hold it against the candle on the table to see how it burned, as a way to determine whether it was genuine ivory or plastic.  If it caught fire we could be sure it was made from petrochemicals; were it to smell like burning Jews, we could be sure it was made from ivory.

Sure enough, the piano was a genuine antique, which prompted some thinking on my part about what we might have to offer the Neocons.

And sure enough, it occurred to me that the Neocons and their apocalyptic goals may be aided by our lobbying efforts among the ultra-orthodox in Israel to obtain kosher certification for the CRISPR-Cas9 gene editing technology.  Our operatives in Texas have been having great difficulty breeding the flawless red heifer required to reinstate the Cohanim and rebuild the Temple on the site of the Al Aqsa mosque in Jerusalem.  With any luck, kosher certification for CRISPR-Cas9 might allow us to fast track this process, which may be of interest to the Neocons.

Anyway, it’s just a preliminary thought.  We don’t have any conspiracy in place yet, but, as the saying goes, with disaster comes opportunity.  We need to think creatively about our prospects for the future control of the planet, and this may be just such an opportunity for us to stay in the loop.

But, of course, we’ll just have to see what the future holds now.

Well At Least There Aren’t White Nationalist Thugs Marching Down the Street With Assault Rifles

Well, America has decided.  This is why Alexander Hamilton hated democracy.  Our new ruler is a fascist loon, but at least there aren’t white nationalist thugs marching in the street with assault rifles contesting the results of the most hilarious election in history.

I’ve been under the impression for some time that the most effective means to enact social change in the current political climate is to dispense with electoral politics, take a cue from the Hapsburgs, and start arranging strategic marriages between the Bush and Clinton clans.  I mean, it worked in Europe for 500 years.  Wake up, America!

I’m at the cafe before going to work, and I have to say, at this point, I’ll just resort to Mr. Obama’s plan to hope, and maybe, Allah willing, the FBI takes Trump out like they took out Dr. Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, John F. Kennedy, and Robert F. Kennedy, in order to preserve the trajectory of the Reptilian Illuminati New World Order conspiracy.  This never would have happened if the DNC hadn’t screwed Bernie Sanders.

The next step in the Applied Chaos Dynamics Control Association’s plan will be unveiled shortly, stay tuned!

How I Failed Democracy

I feel like I failed America this week.  My dad told me if I talk about my feelings it makes me a pussy, but I’m feeling real confused about politics and current affairs right now, and I’m not really sure what it all means.

Last week I was so excited about politics in America and I really felt energized after watching the debates.  This week, I feel like I really failed democracy: I watched football instead of devoting my attention to the one TV show really about the most pressing issues facing our nation today.

As an independent voter, my vote will determine the future of America.  A vote for Hillary or a vote for Donald Trump could make all the difference in the world between whether America faces a bright, prosperous future for job creators and families, or a future defined by neoliberal macroeconomic policies and cartelized industrial markets that subvert the price system.

I have to admit to a certain childish pleasure I receive by watching the guys who teased me in high school bash their brains out on national TV for my entertainment.  It was a lapse in judgment that led me this week to fail in my duty as an American to watch these most important debates.

I didn’t think I would really miss all that much, but when I hear everybody talk about this week’s political developments, I can’t help but feel confused and frightened by how little sense it all makes.  It’s like this one debate I missed changed everything, and now nothing makes sense.  Nothing makes sense in the news anymore.  I must be out of the loop.  It’s frightening.  It feels like America is starting to spiral out of control.  I don’t think it makes me a pussy to say it bothers me.

Because every vote matters, I can only hope at this point that it’s not my vote that fails America in November…  If missing one debate can leave me so disoriented and confused about everything I see on the news, I can only imagine what will happen in November if I vote for the wrong candidate.

I hope things work out OK.  Let’s all pray things work out OK.  And God bless America.