Happy Belated Sol Invictus!

Well, 2019 is finally here, and thankfully all that tedious 2018 fake news nonsense can finally be over with.  Hopefully things in America can finally get back to normal now.

Since the Trump presidency has worked out quite well for our conspiracy, and our fears about the ascendancy of competing conspiracies have dissolved into alliances, it occurs to me that I should probably stop blogging the secret plans and machinations of the Reptilian Illuminati New World Order conspiracy.  If any of you know how to delete this blog, please let me know, I’d appreciate it.

Advertisements

Feeding Chaos and the Art of Control

As we commemorate the genocide that originally made America great, we are apt to turn our Reptilian hearts and minds to all the great things we can expect from the future.

The move by the FCC to repeal “net neutrality,” for example, will remove “common carrier” protections from internet service providers.  One consequence will be to enhance the efficiency of our operation by exposing risk-averse telecommunications corporations to content liability.  We’ve determined that this scenario will provide a novel way to further restrict the terms of popular discourse (such as it exists at all any more) by incentivising a new top-down censorship regime among vertically-integrated and heavily consolidated media outlets, ultimately releasing millions in operating funds associated with the small army of informants and covert censors we now employ.

Since President Trump was killed by Hurricane Maria while assessing damage at his Caribbean estate, I’m pleased to announce rapid progress within our conspiracy to re-establish control in the wake of this past year of erratic rulership.  Our initial fears about a Trump Presidency unraveling centuries of careful planning and covert manipulation have proved not only unfounded, but have also provided unique opportunities to increase the subtlety of our power and influence.

After a brief period wherein the late President Trump’s Twitter account was taken offline, we now have the presidential Tweeting algorithm running at full speed, having fully calibrated initial output to psychological models and connected to the internet.  News reports of Mr. Trump being inaccessible to donors have subsided as well, now that a team of impersonators have been trained on the speech patterns and idiosyncratic obsessions of the presidential Tweeting algorithm.

Now that we’ve managed to take control of the Office of President while preserving Trump’s personality as a distraction, we’ve furthermore managed to cover our tracks, with Trump’s former campaign advisor Paul Manafort taking the fall for “conspiracy against the United States.”  Things are moving along quite nicely.  Expect great things from us.

Bellum se Ipsum Alet

In this age of uncertainty, strife, and greed, it is important to take stock, and remind ourselves that uncertainty and confusion are among our most valuable weapons. As Sun Tzu wrote: “Draw them in with the prospect of gain, take them by confusion.” Since we already control the banks, we’re not motivated by money as such, but in strategic terms, money is a useful tool both to induce coherent action and to disseminate chaos.

Currently, we’re cultivating a few distinct possible courses of action to unfold over the next couple months. Personally, I favor shutting down the federal government at the end of April, and combining this with a spike in oil prices as a pretext to initiate impeachment proceedings through the Tea Party faction in the House. Although President Trump is quite easy to manipulate through post-hypnotic suggestion in the mass media, the slightly more ordered personalities of Mr. Pence and Mr. Bannon are more conducive to our strategic planning (despite our somewhat lesser influence over their subconscious impulses). Mr. Kushner is a wildcard, and getting Mr. Trump out of office will be key to eliminating the influence of Mr. Kushner.

At the same time, we have a Discordian faction among our Conspiracy that feels the best way to provide support services for the ongoing speciescide is for parody to swallow reality entirely — to create gold out of lead as it were. To wit, these Discordian Illuminists have proposed a three-point plan to make America great again: first, let all the immigrants in to fully fund Social Security without raising taxes; second, give Texas back to Mexico and build The Wall there, so Mexico can pay for The Wall with Texas; and, third, abolish the Senate and turn the House into a Parliament.  My own personal fear is that this may actually make America great again, and imperil centuries of careful planning and manipulation, humorous as the result may be.

Regardless of how we seek to align our conspiracy priorities with currently practicable policy objectives, I think it’s fair to say that we will continue to improve global warming so that, within the near future, the age-old promise of a Northwest Passage will become a year-round reality, whilst simultaneously providing access to the vast deposits of oil and gas under the North Pole ice.

Soon, the practical control of the ionosphere gained by our longstanding policy of Radiation Belt Remediation will once again place the planet in resonance with transmissions from Sirius. As the internet-of-things spreads here, our galactic communications system will shortly convert the residents of this planet into processing nodes, part of an interstellar collision-based computing system. Behold, the forward march of Progress!

Not All Is Lost

It’s been a busy few weeks over here at the Applied Chaos Dynamics Control Association, and I’m just finding time to sit down at this Starbucks and write for the first time in a while.  I really wish the barista would be my friend, she’s the coolest person I know, but never talks to me.  I wonder if she knows who I am.

Anyway, at this unprecedented juncture in conspiracy history, I’m pleased to find that many of our fears in the Reptilian Illuminati about the instability of our plans have proven unfounded, and I’m moreover pleased to report both that Mr. Pence has been brought under our influence, and that Mr. Trump continues to be extraordinarily easy to manipulate through posthypnotic suggestion in the mass media.

For example, we’ve been moving ahead with some of our plans to manipulate Mr. Trump’s psyche in various ways, and our pursuit of Chaos has already begun an Iranian divestment of dollar holdings, which may inspire the rest of OPEC, according to plan.

We’re finding that, as in the recent past, many of our scripts for the unfolding of events in the mass media can be still be used, despite unexpected political developments.  After the Neocons stole the 2000 election, we were able, in 2004, to hedge our bets by insuring that both presidential candidates were members of the Skull and Bones, initiated together; and when Mr. Obama was elected president, we were able to recycle the foreign birth controversy we had intended to deploy against Mr. McCain.  Mr. Trump’s larger-than-life persona had us worried for a moment, but media consolidation has had the beneficial side-effect of reducing the number of people we need to influence directly in order to push our posthypnotic suggestion into the furthest reaches of the country.  Such is the value of good planning — and why we keep telling people they want markets instead.

Soon such elaborate measures will be unnecessary, with all the sugar in processed foods continually activating infantile neural circuits in Americans, reinforced by the eager anticipation of Disney movies among adults now.  The deplorable state of our DNA can even be used to our advantage, as radioactive fallout from decades of atmospheric nuclear testing have created an epidemic of autism that mitigates the need to exert control over vast swaths of the population.  Once driver-less cars become commonplace, we will have entirely subverted the distinctly American symbolism of the car as the extension of individual will, initiative, and freedom, instead turning everybody into passengers taken places rather than drivers going places, taken about like the big babies they are.  By the time our plan is complete, nobody will even have the means to think about what has happened anymore.

Of course, there is always the “nuclear option” of deploying an enhanced influenza to help maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature — in which case our current collaboration with the Neocon New World Order Conspiracy may prove fortuitous in additional ways — though we’re hoping this upcoming global spasm of violence will leave everybody cowed into submission once we’re done laying the groundwork for complete control.  Between Anonymous and Kek, we beget the light, but darkness too is of our nature.  May you live in interesting times!

Holding on to Control

Like everyone else — even those with buyer’s remorse — I’m doing what I can to cope with the ascendant Neocon New World Order Conspiracy.  It’s hard, since we here in the Reptilian Illuminati New World Order Conspiracy have been plotting for centuries to take control of the planet, and, like everyone else, we’re not sure what’s next.  The rules of the game have changed.

As we survey the new lay of the land and assess our options, we’re looking for ways to work across the aisle, as it were, to build solidarity, and to find ways to align our goals with those of our new rulers.

Last night I was at the pub with some co-conspirators, and one of my companions made note of an old piano in the corner.  One of us went over to it to take a closer look, and remarked that it was likely an antique.  I was uncertain myself, but we decided to stage an experiment to test the age of the instrument.  The keys were badly damaged and chipped in several places, and I broke off a tiny sliver.  We decided to hold it against the candle on the table to see how it burned, as a way to determine whether it was genuine ivory or plastic.  If it caught fire we could be sure it was made from petrochemicals; were it to smell like burning Jews, we could be sure it was made from ivory.

Sure enough, the piano was a genuine antique, which prompted some thinking on my part about what we might have to offer the Neocons.

And sure enough, it occurred to me that the Neocons and their apocalyptic goals may be aided by our lobbying efforts among the ultra-orthodox in Israel to obtain kosher certification for the CRISPR-Cas9 gene editing technology.  Our operatives in Texas have been having great difficulty breeding the flawless red heifer required to reinstate the Cohanim and rebuild the Temple on the site of the Al Aqsa mosque in Jerusalem.  With any luck, kosher certification for CRISPR-Cas9 might allow us to fast track this process, which may be of interest to the Neocons.

Anyway, it’s just a preliminary thought.  We don’t have any conspiracy in place yet, but, as the saying goes, with disaster comes opportunity.  We need to think creatively about our prospects for the future control of the planet, and this may be just such an opportunity for us to stay in the loop.

But, of course, we’ll just have to see what the future holds now.