Happy Belated Sol Invictus!

Well, 2019 is finally here, and thankfully all that tedious 2018 fake news nonsense can finally be over with.  Hopefully things in America can finally get back to normal now.

Since the Trump presidency has worked out quite well for our conspiracy, and our fears about the ascendancy of competing conspiracies have dissolved into alliances, it occurs to me that I should probably stop blogging the secret plans and machinations of the Reptilian Illuminati New World Order conspiracy.  If any of you know how to delete this blog, please let me know, I’d appreciate it.

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Feeding Chaos and the Art of Control

As we commemorate the genocide that originally made America great, we are apt to turn our Reptilian hearts and minds to all the great things we can expect from the future.

The move by the FCC to repeal “net neutrality,” for example, will remove “common carrier” protections from internet service providers.  One consequence will be to enhance the efficiency of our operation by exposing risk-averse telecommunications corporations to content liability.  We’ve determined that this scenario will provide a novel way to further restrict the terms of popular discourse (such as it exists at all any more) by incentivising a new top-down censorship regime among vertically-integrated and heavily consolidated media outlets, ultimately releasing millions in operating funds associated with the small army of informants and covert censors we now employ.

Since President Trump was killed by Hurricane Maria while assessing damage at his Caribbean estate, I’m pleased to announce rapid progress within our conspiracy to re-establish control in the wake of this past year of erratic rulership.  Our initial fears about a Trump Presidency unraveling centuries of careful planning and covert manipulation have proved not only unfounded, but have also provided unique opportunities to increase the subtlety of our power and influence.

After a brief period wherein the late President Trump’s Twitter account was taken offline, we now have the presidential Tweeting algorithm running at full speed, having fully calibrated initial output to psychological models and connected to the internet.  News reports of Mr. Trump being inaccessible to donors have subsided as well, now that a team of impersonators have been trained on the speech patterns and idiosyncratic obsessions of the presidential Tweeting algorithm.

Now that we’ve managed to take control of the Office of President while preserving Trump’s personality as a distraction, we’ve furthermore managed to cover our tracks, with Trump’s former campaign advisor Paul Manafort taking the fall for “conspiracy against the United States.”  Things are moving along quite nicely.  Expect great things from us.

The Best of All Possible Worlds is Here

I’m excited to report some of the most wonderful news in recent conspiracy history! Since last month, when hurricane Irma slammed into Donald Trump’s Caribbean estate, several new command protocols have rapidly been implemented, ushering in a New World Order within the New World Order established between our warring cabals.

Although we initially advocated Mr. Trump’s impeachment, it seems for a while now that all conspirators — regardless of persuasion or agenda — can agree that the careful management of the President’s persona is a most effective smokescreen for all our machinations behind the curtain.

Mr. Trump had attempted to divest himself of his Caribbean holdings in the month prior to instructing Climate Control to send wave after wave of destruction towards America’s Latin American interests. Similar technology was used between August 25th and 26th of 2005, to abruptly bank hurricane Katrina 72 degrees away from Texas and towards New Orleans instead.

In accord with the secret agreement struck between the Neocon faction in our conspiracy and the Discordian schism in control of Mr. Trump’s psyche through post-hypnotic suggestion in the mass media, the physical Donald Trump was eliminated by Northcom Climate Control. Plans initially called for Hurricane Jose to take out the President while he was assessing damage to his Caribbean estate, having reduced the asking price of his rental property by 40% just one month prior to approving plans for this year’s hurricane season.

In mid-September, however, everybody in the Climate Control Room was still on a month-long bender, sending Jose on an odd little loop-the-loop in the Atlantic instead of into St. Martin. Fortunately, we were able to guide Hurricane Maria along a nearly identical path to Irma, finishing the job a little late but only slightly over budget.

Since the President lost his life in the wake of hurricane Maria, we have been impersonating him in a variety of ways, depending on the context, be it online, on television, or at events. His peculiar orange complexion readily facilitates in-person impersonation, and we expect technological advances in the electromagnetic spectrum will soon render impersonation obsolete, as side-channel modulated van Eck signals embedded in internet audio-visual media can be used to enhance individual susceptibility to perceptual priming algorithms integrated with most popular social media platforms.

Holographic projection techniques first deployed after the 2008 assassination of Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson have been refined over the past decade. The combination of real-time computer graphics, high resolution 3D models of the population available through TSA Rapiscan systems, cellphone tracking, and complex event processing of social media event stream analysis will soon allow us to televise live fabricated images of Mr. Trump interacting with arbitrary attendees at political events, and then to use neuro-linguistic programming and electromagnetic field manipulation to induce memories of meeting the President after-the-fact.

The President’s tweets are already being generated by algorithm and, while we do not have direct control over this algorithm, our past efforts to infiltrate his subconscious have left an indelible mark on the psychological models used for generating his tweets. A variant of the LOLBOT system that came within 5% of passing the Turing Test in 2008, the current Trump tweeting system employs “artificial stupidity” as a failsafe method to avoid tipping off media consumers. The idea gained instant traction among all cooperating conspiracies, as the LOLBOT’s success derived from judges being unable to believe an algorithm could be so dumb.

All in all, it seems our initial alarm at Trump’s election were premature, as we’ve managed to remove him from any decision-making role, while maintaining control over his artificial public appearance. This is clearly the best of all possible worlds!

It’s Hurricane Season Again

The Applied Chaos Dynamics Control Association has been in close contact with the climate control room, where everybody has been on a month-long bender and more or less throwing the switches indiscriminately.

As it stands, the Discordian faction in the Reptilian Illuminati New World Order Conspiracy is planning to send hurricane Jose at the Trump island estate in the Caribbean to take out the President, so that Mark Pence can take office, initiate the apocalypse, and bring back Jesus.  Soon 144,000 Kek worshipers will be raptured to Heaven to preserve the delicate balance between light and dark on this plane.

Nothing more to report at this time.

Give Us a Break, Rome Wasn’t Burned in a Day

Well, it’s been a little while since I’ve found time to write.  Things are really busy just now at this unprecedented moment in conspiracy history, and as chaos spreads, we see endless opportunity in disaster (as the saying goes).

One of the more interesting developments concerns the calls for a Constitutional Convention originating within the Discordian faction of our conspiracy.  The current proposal would involve a vigilante electronic brainwashing campaign built around slogans like “Anarchists Unite!  Do Your Part to Smash the State by Voting Republican!”

As a Jewish Reptile Jesuit Illuminist from space, I have trouble subscribing to this plan myself.  Even so, I must admit there is an alchemical symmetry to the idea of America beginning and ending with this particular ad hoc measure — which was originally cooked up just to bypass the amendment process in the Articles of Confederation after the Founding Fathers met behind closed doors in Philadelphia, having convened with the “sole and express purpose of revising the Articles of Confederation.”

Meanwhile, the traditional conservative elements in our conspiracy are advancing calls for unity, proposing to end the political divisiveness in Washington by abolishing the two-party system, and switching instead to a one-party system.  The more radical conservative elements want to fully privatize government by reinstating the monarchy, but this has similar disadvantages.

My feeling is that the Democrats are still useful for providing the illusion of opposition.  We’ve invested a lot in this illusion, and I don’t think it’s wise to part with it yet.  All that matters is the appearance of control, and the myth of popular democracy still holds sway.

We are so close to complete domination I can taste it with my forked tongue!

Bellum se Ipsum Alet

In this age of uncertainty, strife, and greed, it is important to take stock, and remind ourselves that uncertainty and confusion are among our most valuable weapons. As Sun Tzu wrote: “Draw them in with the prospect of gain, take them by confusion.” Since we already control the banks, we’re not motivated by money as such, but in strategic terms, money is a useful tool both to induce coherent action and to disseminate chaos.

Currently, we’re cultivating a few distinct possible courses of action to unfold over the next couple months. Personally, I favor shutting down the federal government at the end of April, and combining this with a spike in oil prices as a pretext to initiate impeachment proceedings through the Tea Party faction in the House. Although President Trump is quite easy to manipulate through post-hypnotic suggestion in the mass media, the slightly more ordered personalities of Mr. Pence and Mr. Bannon are more conducive to our strategic planning (despite our somewhat lesser influence over their subconscious impulses). Mr. Kushner is a wildcard, and getting Mr. Trump out of office will be key to eliminating the influence of Mr. Kushner.

At the same time, we have a Discordian faction among our Conspiracy that feels the best way to provide support services for the ongoing speciescide is for parody to swallow reality entirely — to create gold out of lead as it were. To wit, these Discordian Illuminists have proposed a three-point plan to make America great again: first, let all the immigrants in to fully fund Social Security without raising taxes; second, give Texas back to Mexico and build The Wall there, so Mexico can pay for The Wall with Texas; and, third, abolish the Senate and turn the House into a Parliament.  My own personal fear is that this may actually make America great again, and imperil centuries of careful planning and manipulation, humorous as the result may be.

Regardless of how we seek to align our conspiracy priorities with currently practicable policy objectives, I think it’s fair to say that we will continue to improve global warming so that, within the near future, the age-old promise of a Northwest Passage will become a year-round reality, whilst simultaneously providing access to the vast deposits of oil and gas under the North Pole ice.

Soon, the practical control of the ionosphere gained by our longstanding policy of Radiation Belt Remediation will once again place the planet in resonance with transmissions from Sirius. As the internet-of-things spreads here, our galactic communications system will shortly convert the residents of this planet into processing nodes, part of an interstellar collision-based computing system. Behold, the forward march of Progress!

Happy New Year

As the Sun emerges from the Sign of Ophiuchus, having passed from Libra, and now into Capricorn, let us take pause to give thanks this Solstice Day for all that we in the Reptilian Illuminati New World Order Conspiracy have been able to salvage of our plans, despite the resurgent ascendancy of the Neocon New World Order Conspiracy this past November.

Our ancient traditions affirm the wisdom and foresight of our elders, who implemented the 28-day, 13-month calendar that governs our rituals and celebrations, long before the precession of the Equinox moved Ophiuchus into the ecliptic.  Precession was a central element to the Mithraic Mysteries, and our enemies who regard our exoteric 364-day calendar without the annual Winter Solstice New Year Leap Day to align the demands of rational social control with the agricultural calendar take regard of the incorrect signs in the Heavens, despite access to online Gregorian-Discordian conversion tables.

As the Trump team transitions from campaign to executive administration, the control we of late attained over the campaign through post-hypnotic suggestion in the mass media has naturally diminished.  At the same time, our charter from the Knights of Malta has provided us here at the Applied Chaos Dynamics Control Association with unprecedented influence over staffing decisions in the Trump transition team.  Operatives from the Jesuits and Catholics figure currently prominently in the transition team, and, given all indications from above, we are beginning to prepare for the possibility of a Trump impeachment from the Tea Party House, and an increased need for more precise control over the subconscious impulses of Mike Pence within the next eight years.

We’re currently evaluating a few impeachment options for Mr. Trump, ranging from a decision to make drone war with China without Congressional declaration (staged to avoid the public discomfort of sending troops into battle, in violation of Article I of the US Constitution), to more worldly political considerations.  For example, if our existing control over Donald Trump’s psyche can be properly leveraged, we may be able to engineer a situation in which he royally offends the Saudis, who then lead an initiative among OPEC nations to cease the Nixon-era practice of pricing oil exclusively in dollars (subsequent to Nixon ending the the gold standard).

OPEC opting to price oil in Euros, as part of an anti-Brexit confidence bid to back European unity, would effectively undermine American dollar hegemony, as well as the dollar’s global reserve currency status, tanking the US economy overnight, while ingratiating our Conspiracy to our allies in Vatican City, who have been under pressure from Deuchebank to comply with international money laundering regulations there since late 2013.  As impeachment must originate in the House, our control over the primitive impulses of the Tea Party faction should be adequate to initiate impeachment proceedings without too much difficulty.

Just to reiterate: our charter from the Knights of Malta does not allow us to directly compete with the CIA in terms of sowing chaos and disorder; our task is primarily to aestheticize civilization’s collapse.  That said, all options are on the table.  Life sometimes imitates art, first as tragedy, then as farce, as it were.  We control legions of Kek worshipers.  We never forgive.  We never forget.  Happy New Year Solstice Day.