Happy Belated Sol Invictus!

Well, 2019 is finally here, and thankfully all that tedious 2018 fake news nonsense can finally be over with.  Hopefully things in America can finally get back to normal now.

Since the Trump presidency has worked out quite well for our conspiracy, and our fears about the ascendancy of competing conspiracies have dissolved into alliances, it occurs to me that I should probably stop blogging the secret plans and machinations of the Reptilian Illuminati New World Order conspiracy.  If any of you know how to delete this blog, please let me know, I’d appreciate it.

It’s Hurricane Season Again

The Applied Chaos Dynamics Control Association has been in close contact with the climate control room, where everybody has been on a month-long bender and more or less throwing the switches indiscriminately.

As it stands, the Discordian faction in the Reptilian Illuminati New World Order Conspiracy is planning to send hurricane Jose at the Trump island estate in the Caribbean to take out the President, so that Mark Pence can take office, initiate the apocalypse, and bring back Jesus.  Soon 144,000 Kek worshipers will be raptured to Heaven to preserve the delicate balance between light and dark on this plane.

Nothing more to report at this time.

Bellum se Ipsum Alet

In this age of uncertainty, strife, and greed, it is important to take stock, and remind ourselves that uncertainty and confusion are among our most valuable weapons. As Sun Tzu wrote: “Draw them in with the prospect of gain, take them by confusion.” Since we already control the banks, we’re not motivated by money as such, but in strategic terms, money is a useful tool both to induce coherent action and to disseminate chaos.

Currently, we’re cultivating a few distinct possible courses of action to unfold over the next couple months. Personally, I favor shutting down the federal government at the end of April, and combining this with a spike in oil prices as a pretext to initiate impeachment proceedings through the Tea Party faction in the House. Although President Trump is quite easy to manipulate through post-hypnotic suggestion in the mass media, the slightly more ordered personalities of Mr. Pence and Mr. Bannon are more conducive to our strategic planning (despite our somewhat lesser influence over their subconscious impulses). Mr. Kushner is a wildcard, and getting Mr. Trump out of office will be key to eliminating the influence of Mr. Kushner.

At the same time, we have a Discordian faction among our Conspiracy that feels the best way to provide support services for the ongoing speciescide is for parody to swallow reality entirely — to create gold out of lead as it were. To wit, these Discordian Illuminists have proposed a three-point plan to make America great again: first, let all the immigrants in to fully fund Social Security without raising taxes; second, give Texas back to Mexico and build The Wall there, so Mexico can pay for The Wall with Texas; and, third, abolish the Senate and turn the House into a Parliament.  My own personal fear is that this may actually make America great again, and imperil centuries of careful planning and manipulation, humorous as the result may be.

Regardless of how we seek to align our conspiracy priorities with currently practicable policy objectives, I think it’s fair to say that we will continue to improve global warming so that, within the near future, the age-old promise of a Northwest Passage will become a year-round reality, whilst simultaneously providing access to the vast deposits of oil and gas under the North Pole ice.

Soon, the practical control of the ionosphere gained by our longstanding policy of Radiation Belt Remediation will once again place the planet in resonance with transmissions from Sirius. As the internet-of-things spreads here, our galactic communications system will shortly convert the residents of this planet into processing nodes, part of an interstellar collision-based computing system. Behold, the forward march of Progress!

Not All Is Lost

It’s been a busy few weeks over here at the Applied Chaos Dynamics Control Association, and I’m just finding time to sit down at this Starbucks and write for the first time in a while.  I really wish the barista would be my friend, she’s the coolest person I know, but never talks to me.  I wonder if she knows who I am.

Anyway, at this unprecedented juncture in conspiracy history, I’m pleased to find that many of our fears in the Reptilian Illuminati about the instability of our plans have proven unfounded, and I’m moreover pleased to report both that Mr. Pence has been brought under our influence, and that Mr. Trump continues to be extraordinarily easy to manipulate through posthypnotic suggestion in the mass media.

For example, we’ve been moving ahead with some of our plans to manipulate Mr. Trump’s psyche in various ways, and our pursuit of Chaos has already begun an Iranian divestment of dollar holdings, which may inspire the rest of OPEC, according to plan.

We’re finding that, as in the recent past, many of our scripts for the unfolding of events in the mass media can be still be used, despite unexpected political developments.  After the Neocons stole the 2000 election, we were able, in 2004, to hedge our bets by insuring that both presidential candidates were members of the Skull and Bones, initiated together; and when Mr. Obama was elected president, we were able to recycle the foreign birth controversy we had intended to deploy against Mr. McCain.  Mr. Trump’s larger-than-life persona had us worried for a moment, but media consolidation has had the beneficial side-effect of reducing the number of people we need to influence directly in order to push our posthypnotic suggestion into the furthest reaches of the country.  Such is the value of good planning — and why we keep telling people they want markets instead.

Soon such elaborate measures will be unnecessary, with all the sugar in processed foods continually activating infantile neural circuits in Americans, reinforced by the eager anticipation of Disney movies among adults now.  The deplorable state of our DNA can even be used to our advantage, as radioactive fallout from decades of atmospheric nuclear testing have created an epidemic of autism that mitigates the need to exert control over vast swaths of the population.  Once driver-less cars become commonplace, we will have entirely subverted the distinctly American symbolism of the car as the extension of individual will, initiative, and freedom, instead turning everybody into passengers taken places rather than drivers going places, taken about like the big babies they are.  By the time our plan is complete, nobody will even have the means to think about what has happened anymore.

Of course, there is always the “nuclear option” of deploying an enhanced influenza to help maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature — in which case our current collaboration with the Neocon New World Order Conspiracy may prove fortuitous in additional ways — though we’re hoping this upcoming global spasm of violence will leave everybody cowed into submission once we’re done laying the groundwork for complete control.  Between Anonymous and Kek, we beget the light, but darkness too is of our nature.  May you live in interesting times!

Holding on to Control

Like everyone else — even those with buyer’s remorse — I’m doing what I can to cope with the ascendant Neocon New World Order Conspiracy.  It’s hard, since we here in the Reptilian Illuminati New World Order Conspiracy have been plotting for centuries to take control of the planet, and, like everyone else, we’re not sure what’s next.  The rules of the game have changed.

As we survey the new lay of the land and assess our options, we’re looking for ways to work across the aisle, as it were, to build solidarity, and to find ways to align our goals with those of our new rulers.

Last night I was at the pub with some co-conspirators, and one of my companions made note of an old piano in the corner.  One of us went over to it to take a closer look, and remarked that it was likely an antique.  I was uncertain myself, but we decided to stage an experiment to test the age of the instrument.  The keys were badly damaged and chipped in several places, and I broke off a tiny sliver.  We decided to hold it against the candle on the table to see how it burned, as a way to determine whether it was genuine ivory or plastic.  If it caught fire we could be sure it was made from petrochemicals; were it to smell like burning Jews, we could be sure it was made from ivory.

Sure enough, the piano was a genuine antique, which prompted some thinking on my part about what we might have to offer the Neocons.

And sure enough, it occurred to me that the Neocons and their apocalyptic goals may be aided by our lobbying efforts among the ultra-orthodox in Israel to obtain kosher certification for the CRISPR-Cas9 gene editing technology.  Our operatives in Texas have been having great difficulty breeding the flawless red heifer required to reinstate the Cohanim and rebuild the Temple on the site of the Al Aqsa mosque in Jerusalem.  With any luck, kosher certification for CRISPR-Cas9 might allow us to fast track this process, which may be of interest to the Neocons.

Anyway, it’s just a preliminary thought.  We don’t have any conspiracy in place yet, but, as the saying goes, with disaster comes opportunity.  We need to think creatively about our prospects for the future control of the planet, and this may be just such an opportunity for us to stay in the loop.

But, of course, we’ll just have to see what the future holds now.

Well At Least There Aren’t White Nationalist Thugs Marching Down the Street With Assault Rifles

Well, America has decided.  This is why Alexander Hamilton hated democracy.  Our new ruler is a fascist loon, but at least there aren’t white nationalist thugs marching in the street with assault rifles contesting the results of the most hilarious election in history.

I’ve been under the impression for some time that the most effective means to enact social change in the current political climate is to dispense with electoral politics, take a cue from the Hapsburgs, and start arranging strategic marriages between the Bush and Clinton clans.  I mean, it worked in Europe for 500 years.  Wake up, America!

I’m at the cafe before going to work, and I have to say, at this point, I’ll just resort to Mr. Obama’s plan to hope, and maybe, Allah willing, the FBI takes Trump out like they took out Dr. Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, John F. Kennedy, and Robert F. Kennedy, in order to preserve the trajectory of the Reptilian Illuminati New World Order conspiracy.  This never would have happened if the DNC hadn’t screwed Bernie Sanders.

The next step in the Applied Chaos Dynamics Control Association’s plan will be unveiled shortly, stay tuned!

These Elections Will Determine the Course of the Reptillian Illuminati Conspiracy, Our Future Is at Stake

On November 8, 2016, Donald Trump may interrupt centuries of careful planning and covert manipulation by the Reptillian Illuminati New World Order conspiracy.  We must not allow this to happen.  And that’s why I’m with her.

It’s against my oath to publicly reveal my role in shaping world events.  But the stakes are just that high right now.  I’ve made a lot of money.  Believe me.  But as Knight of the Brazen Serpent and Sovereign Grand and Inquisitor General to the Invisible Order of the Pythagorean Hydra of the Ancient and Illuminated Seers of Bavaria and Malta, you’ve probably never heard my name before.

While Mr. Trump’s clear and present danger to our cabal in the Senate of the U.S. poses a threat of a sufficient degree to endanger the Society, the greater threat lies in that posed to the purity of our precious blood, which we have been cultivating for generations.  We must not leave this matter to fickle Fortuna to resolve.  And that’s why I’m stepping out of the shadows now.

Experience proves that the moral and physical qualities of our race, whether good or evil, are transmissible in a certain degree from father to son. But I suspect that the equal rights of men will rise up against this privileged Solomon, and oblige us to continue acquiescence under the degeneration of the race of men which Theognis complains of, and to content ourselves with the accidental aristocracy produced by the fortuitous concourse of the mere breeders and brutish satyrs amongst our subordinate hominids.

It is true enough, take away Appetite and Ambition, and the present generation would not live a month, and no future generation would ever exist.   Thus the exalted dignity of human Nature would be annihilated and lost. And in my opinion, the whole loss would be of no more importance than putting out a Candle, quenching a Torch, or crushing a Firefly, if in this world only We have Hope.

So please, vote hard in 2016.  More than usual is riding on this one.  Amen.  And may Our God, Cthulhu, destroy our enemies.

How I Failed Democracy

I feel like I failed America this week.  My dad told me if I talk about my feelings it makes me a pussy, but I’m feeling real confused about politics and current affairs right now, and I’m not really sure what it all means.

Last week I was so excited about politics in America and I really felt energized after watching the debates.  This week, I feel like I really failed democracy: I watched football instead of devoting my attention to the one TV show really about the most pressing issues facing our nation today.

As an independent voter, my vote will determine the future of America.  A vote for Hillary or a vote for Donald Trump could make all the difference in the world between whether America faces a bright, prosperous future for job creators and families, or a future defined by neoliberal macroeconomic policies and cartelized industrial markets that subvert the price system.

I have to admit to a certain childish pleasure I receive by watching the guys who teased me in high school bash their brains out on national TV for my entertainment.  It was a lapse in judgment that led me this week to fail in my duty as an American to watch these most important debates.

I didn’t think I would really miss all that much, but when I hear everybody talk about this week’s political developments, I can’t help but feel confused and frightened by how little sense it all makes.  It’s like this one debate I missed changed everything, and now nothing makes sense.  Nothing makes sense in the news anymore.  I must be out of the loop.  It’s frightening.  It feels like America is starting to spiral out of control.  I don’t think it makes me a pussy to say it bothers me.

Because every vote matters, I can only hope at this point that it’s not my vote that fails America in November…  If missing one debate can leave me so disoriented and confused about everything I see on the news, I can only imagine what will happen in November if I vote for the wrong candidate.

I hope things work out OK.  Let’s all pray things work out OK.  And God bless America.