Additional Calibrations, Transmittal to Galactic Central Command

Along with our extensive operations here on planet Earth, control extends across a number of star systems seeded by our genetic engineers long ago.  As Earth remains in quarantine to prevent feeble human intelligence from rapidly polluting the rest of the galaxy, we are required by secret directives to check in with our counterparts in other systems.

Recently, planet Earth re-encountered our deep space monitoring station designated 1991 VG, which orbits the Sun an an orbit nearly identical to the earth.  The probe has been monitoring conditions on the service and storing reports from members of our conspiracy.

Using the HAARP ionospheric heater to create temporary high-altitude antennae out of attenuated particles in the E Layer of the atmosphere, we can create an artificial effect much like that exploited in meteor burst communications, except, in our case, data is deflected out into space towards the 1991 VG probe in a manner designed to evade ground-based detection.  Our last reports and planning documents were transmitted in June of 2017, upon the most recent rendezvous of 1991 VG with Earth.

Location of 1991VG on October 13, 2017, when 1I/2017 U1 ‘Oumaumau passed by to download observations about earth quarantine (NASA image).

In September, interstellar messenger probe 1I/2017 U1 ‘Oumuamua approached this solar system, passed through the orbit of Mercury, swung around the Sun, and made a scheduled rendezvous with the 1991 VG deep space scout, to download local observations, reports and telemetry data for the upcoming galactic census.  In Late October, 1I/2017 U1 made its closest approach to earth, and, we can now confirm, was able to make contact with 1991 VG.  The messenger promptly entered standby mode and is now on its way out of the solar system.  Sometimes, for secure communications, physically couriers just can’t be surpassed.

Path of 1I/2017 U1 ‘Oumaumau on October 14, 2017, approaching 1991VG for a scheduled rendezvous.

We will have more to report shortly.  Hopefully, now that we are in control of the United States at the highest levels, this interstellar visit will provide us with an upstream green light for the next phase in our operations here.

 

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Feeding Chaos and the Art of Control

As we commemorate the genocide that originally made America great, we are apt to turn our Reptilian hearts and minds to all the great things we can expect from the future.

The move by the FCC to repeal “net neutrality,” for example, will remove “common carrier” protections from internet service providers.  One consequence will be to enhance the efficiency of our operation by exposing risk-averse telecommunications corporations to content liability.  We’ve determined that this scenario will provide a novel way to further restrict the terms of popular discourse (such as it exists at all any more) by incentivising a new top-down censorship regime among vertically-integrated and heavily consolidated media outlets, ultimately releasing millions in operating funds associated with the small army of informants and covert censors we now employ.

Since President Trump was killed by Hurricane Maria while assessing damage at his Caribbean estate, I’m pleased to announce rapid progress within our conspiracy to re-establish control in the wake of this past year of erratic rulership.  Our initial fears about a Trump Presidency unraveling centuries of careful planning and covert manipulation have proved not only unfounded, but have also provided unique opportunities to increase the subtlety of our power and influence.

After a brief period wherein the late President Trump’s Twitter account was taken offline, we now have the presidential Tweeting algorithm running at full speed, having fully calibrated initial output to psychological models and connected to the internet.  News reports of Mr. Trump being inaccessible to donors have subsided as well, now that a team of impersonators have been trained on the speech patterns and idiosyncratic obsessions of the presidential Tweeting algorithm.

Now that we’ve managed to take control of the Office of President while preserving Trump’s personality as a distraction, we’ve furthermore managed to cover our tracks, with Trump’s former campaign advisor Paul Manafort taking the fall for “conspiracy against the United States.”  Things are moving along quite nicely.  Expect great things from us.

The Best of All Possible Worlds is Here

I’m excited to report some of the most wonderful news in recent conspiracy history! Since last month, when hurricane Irma slammed into Donald Trump’s Caribbean estate, several new command protocols have rapidly been implemented, ushering in a New World Order within the New World Order established between our warring cabals.

Although we initially advocated Mr. Trump’s impeachment, it seems for a while now that all conspirators — regardless of persuasion or agenda — can agree that the careful management of the President’s persona is a most effective smokescreen for all our machinations behind the curtain.

Mr. Trump had attempted to divest himself of his Caribbean holdings in the month prior to instructing Climate Control to send wave after wave of destruction towards America’s Latin American interests. Similar technology was used between August 25th and 26th of 2005, to abruptly bank hurricane Katrina 72 degrees away from Texas and towards New Orleans instead.

In accord with the secret agreement struck between the Neocon faction in our conspiracy and the Discordian schism in control of Mr. Trump’s psyche through post-hypnotic suggestion in the mass media, the physical Donald Trump was eliminated by Northcom Climate Control. Plans initially called for Hurricane Jose to take out the President while he was assessing damage to his Caribbean estate, having reduced the asking price of his rental property by 40% just one month prior to approving plans for this year’s hurricane season.

In mid-September, however, everybody in the Climate Control Room was still on a month-long bender, sending Jose on an odd little loop-the-loop in the Atlantic instead of into St. Martin. Fortunately, we were able to guide Hurricane Maria along a nearly identical path to Irma, finishing the job a little late but only slightly over budget.

Since the President lost his life in the wake of hurricane Maria, we have been impersonating him in a variety of ways, depending on the context, be it online, on television, or at events. His peculiar orange complexion readily facilitates in-person impersonation, and we expect technological advances in the electromagnetic spectrum will soon render impersonation obsolete, as side-channel modulated van Eck signals embedded in internet audio-visual media can be used to enhance individual susceptibility to perceptual priming algorithms integrated with most popular social media platforms.

Holographic projection techniques first deployed after the 2008 assassination of Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson have been refined over the past decade. The combination of real-time computer graphics, high resolution 3D models of the population available through TSA Rapiscan systems, cellphone tracking, and complex event processing of social media event stream analysis will soon allow us to televise live fabricated images of Mr. Trump interacting with arbitrary attendees at political events, and then to use neuro-linguistic programming and electromagnetic field manipulation to induce memories of meeting the President after-the-fact.

The President’s tweets are already being generated by algorithm and, while we do not have direct control over this algorithm, our past efforts to infiltrate his subconscious have left an indelible mark on the psychological models used for generating his tweets. A variant of the LOLBOT system that came within 5% of passing the Turing Test in 2008, the current Trump tweeting system employs “artificial stupidity” as a failsafe method to avoid tipping off media consumers. The idea gained instant traction among all cooperating conspiracies, as the LOLBOT’s success derived from judges being unable to believe an algorithm could be so dumb.

All in all, it seems our initial alarm at Trump’s election were premature, as we’ve managed to remove him from any decision-making role, while maintaining control over his artificial public appearance. This is clearly the best of all possible worlds!

Not All Is Lost

It’s been a busy few weeks over here at the Applied Chaos Dynamics Control Association, and I’m just finding time to sit down at this Starbucks and write for the first time in a while.  I really wish the barista would be my friend, she’s the coolest person I know, but never talks to me.  I wonder if she knows who I am.

Anyway, at this unprecedented juncture in conspiracy history, I’m pleased to find that many of our fears in the Reptilian Illuminati about the instability of our plans have proven unfounded, and I’m moreover pleased to report both that Mr. Pence has been brought under our influence, and that Mr. Trump continues to be extraordinarily easy to manipulate through posthypnotic suggestion in the mass media.

For example, we’ve been moving ahead with some of our plans to manipulate Mr. Trump’s psyche in various ways, and our pursuit of Chaos has already begun an Iranian divestment of dollar holdings, which may inspire the rest of OPEC, according to plan.

We’re finding that, as in the recent past, many of our scripts for the unfolding of events in the mass media can be still be used, despite unexpected political developments.  After the Neocons stole the 2000 election, we were able, in 2004, to hedge our bets by insuring that both presidential candidates were members of the Skull and Bones, initiated together; and when Mr. Obama was elected president, we were able to recycle the foreign birth controversy we had intended to deploy against Mr. McCain.  Mr. Trump’s larger-than-life persona had us worried for a moment, but media consolidation has had the beneficial side-effect of reducing the number of people we need to influence directly in order to push our posthypnotic suggestion into the furthest reaches of the country.  Such is the value of good planning — and why we keep telling people they want markets instead.

Soon such elaborate measures will be unnecessary, with all the sugar in processed foods continually activating infantile neural circuits in Americans, reinforced by the eager anticipation of Disney movies among adults now.  The deplorable state of our DNA can even be used to our advantage, as radioactive fallout from decades of atmospheric nuclear testing have created an epidemic of autism that mitigates the need to exert control over vast swaths of the population.  Once driver-less cars become commonplace, we will have entirely subverted the distinctly American symbolism of the car as the extension of individual will, initiative, and freedom, instead turning everybody into passengers taken places rather than drivers going places, taken about like the big babies they are.  By the time our plan is complete, nobody will even have the means to think about what has happened anymore.

Of course, there is always the “nuclear option” of deploying an enhanced influenza to help maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature — in which case our current collaboration with the Neocon New World Order Conspiracy may prove fortuitous in additional ways — though we’re hoping this upcoming global spasm of violence will leave everybody cowed into submission once we’re done laying the groundwork for complete control.  Between Anonymous and Kek, we beget the light, but darkness too is of our nature.  May you live in interesting times!

Holding on to Control

Like everyone else — even those with buyer’s remorse — I’m doing what I can to cope with the ascendant Neocon New World Order Conspiracy.  It’s hard, since we here in the Reptilian Illuminati New World Order Conspiracy have been plotting for centuries to take control of the planet, and, like everyone else, we’re not sure what’s next.  The rules of the game have changed.

As we survey the new lay of the land and assess our options, we’re looking for ways to work across the aisle, as it were, to build solidarity, and to find ways to align our goals with those of our new rulers.

Last night I was at the pub with some co-conspirators, and one of my companions made note of an old piano in the corner.  One of us went over to it to take a closer look, and remarked that it was likely an antique.  I was uncertain myself, but we decided to stage an experiment to test the age of the instrument.  The keys were badly damaged and chipped in several places, and I broke off a tiny sliver.  We decided to hold it against the candle on the table to see how it burned, as a way to determine whether it was genuine ivory or plastic.  If it caught fire we could be sure it was made from petrochemicals; were it to smell like burning Jews, we could be sure it was made from ivory.

Sure enough, the piano was a genuine antique, which prompted some thinking on my part about what we might have to offer the Neocons.

And sure enough, it occurred to me that the Neocons and their apocalyptic goals may be aided by our lobbying efforts among the ultra-orthodox in Israel to obtain kosher certification for the CRISPR-Cas9 gene editing technology.  Our operatives in Texas have been having great difficulty breeding the flawless red heifer required to reinstate the Cohanim and rebuild the Temple on the site of the Al Aqsa mosque in Jerusalem.  With any luck, kosher certification for CRISPR-Cas9 might allow us to fast track this process, which may be of interest to the Neocons.

Anyway, it’s just a preliminary thought.  We don’t have any conspiracy in place yet, but, as the saying goes, with disaster comes opportunity.  We need to think creatively about our prospects for the future control of the planet, and this may be just such an opportunity for us to stay in the loop.

But, of course, we’ll just have to see what the future holds now.