Happy Belated Sol Invictus!

Well, 2019 is finally here, and thankfully all that tedious 2018 fake news nonsense can finally be over with.  Hopefully things in America can finally get back to normal now.

Since the Trump presidency has worked out quite well for our conspiracy, and our fears about the ascendancy of competing conspiracies have dissolved into alliances, it occurs to me that I should probably stop blogging the secret plans and machinations of the Reptilian Illuminati New World Order conspiracy.  If any of you know how to delete this blog, please let me know, I’d appreciate it.

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The Best of All Possible Worlds is Here

I’m excited to report some of the most wonderful news in recent conspiracy history! Since last month, when hurricane Irma slammed into Donald Trump’s Caribbean estate, several new command protocols have rapidly been implemented, ushering in a New World Order within the New World Order established between our warring cabals.

Although we initially advocated Mr. Trump’s impeachment, it seems for a while now that all conspirators — regardless of persuasion or agenda — can agree that the careful management of the President’s persona is a most effective smokescreen for all our machinations behind the curtain.

Mr. Trump had attempted to divest himself of his Caribbean holdings in the month prior to instructing Climate Control to send wave after wave of destruction towards America’s Latin American interests. Similar technology was used between August 25th and 26th of 2005, to abruptly bank hurricane Katrina 72 degrees away from Texas and towards New Orleans instead.

In accord with the secret agreement struck between the Neocon faction in our conspiracy and the Discordian schism in control of Mr. Trump’s psyche through post-hypnotic suggestion in the mass media, the physical Donald Trump was eliminated by Northcom Climate Control. Plans initially called for Hurricane Jose to take out the President while he was assessing damage to his Caribbean estate, having reduced the asking price of his rental property by 40% just one month prior to approving plans for this year’s hurricane season.

In mid-September, however, everybody in the Climate Control Room was still on a month-long bender, sending Jose on an odd little loop-the-loop in the Atlantic instead of into St. Martin. Fortunately, we were able to guide Hurricane Maria along a nearly identical path to Irma, finishing the job a little late but only slightly over budget.

Since the President lost his life in the wake of hurricane Maria, we have been impersonating him in a variety of ways, depending on the context, be it online, on television, or at events. His peculiar orange complexion readily facilitates in-person impersonation, and we expect technological advances in the electromagnetic spectrum will soon render impersonation obsolete, as side-channel modulated van Eck signals embedded in internet audio-visual media can be used to enhance individual susceptibility to perceptual priming algorithms integrated with most popular social media platforms.

Holographic projection techniques first deployed after the 2008 assassination of Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson have been refined over the past decade. The combination of real-time computer graphics, high resolution 3D models of the population available through TSA Rapiscan systems, cellphone tracking, and complex event processing of social media event stream analysis will soon allow us to televise live fabricated images of Mr. Trump interacting with arbitrary attendees at political events, and then to use neuro-linguistic programming and electromagnetic field manipulation to induce memories of meeting the President after-the-fact.

The President’s tweets are already being generated by algorithm and, while we do not have direct control over this algorithm, our past efforts to infiltrate his subconscious have left an indelible mark on the psychological models used for generating his tweets. A variant of the LOLBOT system that came within 5% of passing the Turing Test in 2008, the current Trump tweeting system employs “artificial stupidity” as a failsafe method to avoid tipping off media consumers. The idea gained instant traction among all cooperating conspiracies, as the LOLBOT’s success derived from judges being unable to believe an algorithm could be so dumb.

All in all, it seems our initial alarm at Trump’s election were premature, as we’ve managed to remove him from any decision-making role, while maintaining control over his artificial public appearance. This is clearly the best of all possible worlds!

It’s Hurricane Season Again

The Applied Chaos Dynamics Control Association has been in close contact with the climate control room, where everybody has been on a month-long bender and more or less throwing the switches indiscriminately.

As it stands, the Discordian faction in the Reptilian Illuminati New World Order Conspiracy is planning to send hurricane Jose at the Trump island estate in the Caribbean to take out the President, so that Mark Pence can take office, initiate the apocalypse, and bring back Jesus.  Soon 144,000 Kek worshipers will be raptured to Heaven to preserve the delicate balance between light and dark on this plane.

Nothing more to report at this time.

Give Us a Break, Rome Wasn’t Burned in a Day

Well, it’s been a little while since I’ve found time to write.  Things are really busy just now at this unprecedented moment in conspiracy history, and as chaos spreads, we see endless opportunity in disaster (as the saying goes).

One of the more interesting developments concerns the calls for a Constitutional Convention originating within the Discordian faction of our conspiracy.  The current proposal would involve a vigilante electronic brainwashing campaign built around slogans like “Anarchists Unite!  Do Your Part to Smash the State by Voting Republican!”

As a Jewish Reptile Jesuit Illuminist from space, I have trouble subscribing to this plan myself.  Even so, I must admit there is an alchemical symmetry to the idea of America beginning and ending with this particular ad hoc measure — which was originally cooked up just to bypass the amendment process in the Articles of Confederation after the Founding Fathers met behind closed doors in Philadelphia, having convened with the “sole and express purpose of revising the Articles of Confederation.”

Meanwhile, the traditional conservative elements in our conspiracy are advancing calls for unity, proposing to end the political divisiveness in Washington by abolishing the two-party system, and switching instead to a one-party system.  The more radical conservative elements want to fully privatize government by reinstating the monarchy, but this has similar disadvantages.

My feeling is that the Democrats are still useful for providing the illusion of opposition.  We’ve invested a lot in this illusion, and I don’t think it’s wise to part with it yet.  All that matters is the appearance of control, and the myth of popular democracy still holds sway.

We are so close to complete domination I can taste it with my forked tongue!

Bellum se Ipsum Alet

In this age of uncertainty, strife, and greed, it is important to take stock, and remind ourselves that uncertainty and confusion are among our most valuable weapons. As Sun Tzu wrote: “Draw them in with the prospect of gain, take them by confusion.” Since we already control the banks, we’re not motivated by money as such, but in strategic terms, money is a useful tool both to induce coherent action and to disseminate chaos.

Currently, we’re cultivating a few distinct possible courses of action to unfold over the next couple months. Personally, I favor shutting down the federal government at the end of April, and combining this with a spike in oil prices as a pretext to initiate impeachment proceedings through the Tea Party faction in the House. Although President Trump is quite easy to manipulate through post-hypnotic suggestion in the mass media, the slightly more ordered personalities of Mr. Pence and Mr. Bannon are more conducive to our strategic planning (despite our somewhat lesser influence over their subconscious impulses). Mr. Kushner is a wildcard, and getting Mr. Trump out of office will be key to eliminating the influence of Mr. Kushner.

At the same time, we have a Discordian faction among our Conspiracy that feels the best way to provide support services for the ongoing speciescide is for parody to swallow reality entirely — to create gold out of lead as it were. To wit, these Discordian Illuminists have proposed a three-point plan to make America great again: first, let all the immigrants in to fully fund Social Security without raising taxes; second, give Texas back to Mexico and build The Wall there, so Mexico can pay for The Wall with Texas; and, third, abolish the Senate and turn the House into a Parliament.  My own personal fear is that this may actually make America great again, and imperil centuries of careful planning and manipulation, humorous as the result may be.

Regardless of how we seek to align our conspiracy priorities with currently practicable policy objectives, I think it’s fair to say that we will continue to improve global warming so that, within the near future, the age-old promise of a Northwest Passage will become a year-round reality, whilst simultaneously providing access to the vast deposits of oil and gas under the North Pole ice.

Soon, the practical control of the ionosphere gained by our longstanding policy of Radiation Belt Remediation will once again place the planet in resonance with transmissions from Sirius. As the internet-of-things spreads here, our galactic communications system will shortly convert the residents of this planet into processing nodes, part of an interstellar collision-based computing system. Behold, the forward march of Progress!

Holding on to Control

Like everyone else — even those with buyer’s remorse — I’m doing what I can to cope with the ascendant Neocon New World Order Conspiracy.  It’s hard, since we here in the Reptilian Illuminati New World Order Conspiracy have been plotting for centuries to take control of the planet, and, like everyone else, we’re not sure what’s next.  The rules of the game have changed.

As we survey the new lay of the land and assess our options, we’re looking for ways to work across the aisle, as it were, to build solidarity, and to find ways to align our goals with those of our new rulers.

Last night I was at the pub with some co-conspirators, and one of my companions made note of an old piano in the corner.  One of us went over to it to take a closer look, and remarked that it was likely an antique.  I was uncertain myself, but we decided to stage an experiment to test the age of the instrument.  The keys were badly damaged and chipped in several places, and I broke off a tiny sliver.  We decided to hold it against the candle on the table to see how it burned, as a way to determine whether it was genuine ivory or plastic.  If it caught fire we could be sure it was made from petrochemicals; were it to smell like burning Jews, we could be sure it was made from ivory.

Sure enough, the piano was a genuine antique, which prompted some thinking on my part about what we might have to offer the Neocons.

And sure enough, it occurred to me that the Neocons and their apocalyptic goals may be aided by our lobbying efforts among the ultra-orthodox in Israel to obtain kosher certification for the CRISPR-Cas9 gene editing technology.  Our operatives in Texas have been having great difficulty breeding the flawless red heifer required to reinstate the Cohanim and rebuild the Temple on the site of the Al Aqsa mosque in Jerusalem.  With any luck, kosher certification for CRISPR-Cas9 might allow us to fast track this process, which may be of interest to the Neocons.

Anyway, it’s just a preliminary thought.  We don’t have any conspiracy in place yet, but, as the saying goes, with disaster comes opportunity.  We need to think creatively about our prospects for the future control of the planet, and this may be just such an opportunity for us to stay in the loop.

But, of course, we’ll just have to see what the future holds now.

Welcome to Day Three of the New World Order

Despite my hangover, I could discern from the peculiarly stunning cloud cover in the morning light and copious chemtrails throughout the day that something very unusual had happened.  A new day had dawned with Tuesday’s elections.

It’s hard to say what exactly it means for the Reptilian New World Order Conspiracy if the Neocon New World Order Conspiracy will be taking the reigns of this shit show now.  We’ll need to adjust, change course, and perhaps take more of an adversarial approach to their role in shaping world events.  At least we don’t need to worry about Trump nuking his buddy Putin.

And I suppose it’s not beyond the realm of possibility to hope that chance may even grant us aspects of our agenda under these changed circumstances.  For example, given the characters who make up the Republican party, their deference to regimentation and uniformity, and the devil-worshiping homosexual pedophilia they practice, we may not be fully deluding ourselves to hope our calendar may yet be reformed and rebuilt around an auspicious 13 months, each divided into a uniform 28 days, implemented in combination with mind-controlled breeding habits optimized to start out-breeding the Chinese.

As long as we are in control of the DNA, we’ll always have hope.