The Best of All Possible Worlds is Here

I’m excited to report some of the most wonderful news in recent conspiracy history! Since last month, when hurricane Irma slammed into Donald Trump’s Caribbean estate, several new command protocols have rapidly been implemented, ushering in a New World Order within the New World Order established between our warring cabals.

Although we initially advocated Mr. Trump’s impeachment, it now seems everybody is in agreement that the careful management of his persona is a most effective smokescreen for all our machinations behind the curtain.

Mr. Trump had attempted to divest himself of his Caribbean holdings the month prior to instructing Climate Control to send wave after wave of destruction towards America’s Latin American interests. Similar technology was used between August 25th and 26th of 2005, to abruptly bank hurricane Katrina 72 degrees away from Texas and towards New Orleans instead.

In accord with the secret agreement struck between the Neocon faction in our conspiracy and the Discordian schism in control of Mr. Trump’s psyche through the Applied Chaos Dynamic Control Association’s post-hypnotic suggestion in the mass media, the physical personhood of Donald Trump was eliminated by Northcom Climate Control. Plans initially called for Hurricane Jose to take out the President while he was assessing damage to his Caribbean estate, having reduced the asking price of his rental property by 40% just one month prior to approving plans for this year’s hurricane season.

In mid-September, however, everybody in the Climate Control Room was still on a month-long bender, sending Jose on an odd little loop-the-loop in the Atlantic instead of into St. Martin. Fortunately, we were able to guide Hurricane Maria along a nearly identical path to Irma, finishing the job a little late but only slightly over budget.

Since the President passed in the wake of hurricane Maria, his personhood has been impersonated in a variety of ways, depending on the context, be it online, on television, or at events. His peculiar orange complexion readily facilitates in-person impersonation, and we expect technological advances in the electromagnetic spectrum will soon render impersonation obsolete, as side-channel modulated van Eck signals embedded in internet audio-visual media can be used to enhance individual susceptibility to perceptual priming algorithms integrated with most popular social media platforms.

Holographic projection techniques first deployed after the 2008 assassination of Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson have been refined over the past decade. The combination of real-time computer graphics, high resolution 3D models of the population available through TSA Rapiscan systems, and complex event processing of social media event stream analysis will soon allow us to televise fabricated images of Mr. Trump interacting with arbitrary attendees at political events, and then to use neuro-linguistic programming and electromagnetic field manipulation to create memories of meeting the President after-the-fact.

The President’s tweets are already being generated by algorithm and, while we do not have direct control over this algorithm, our past efforts to infiltrate his subconscious have left an indelible mark on the psychological models used for generating his tweets. A variant of the LOLBOT system that came within 5% of passing the Turing Test in 2008, the current Trump tweeting system employs “artificial stupidity” as a failsafe method to avoid tipping off media consumers. The idea gained instant traction, as the LOLBOT’s success derived from judges being unable to believe an algorithm could be so dumb.

All in all, it seems our initial alarm at Trump’s election were premature, as we’ve managed to remove him from any decision-making role, while maintaining control over his artificial public appearance. This is clearly the best of all possible worlds!

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