Happy Belated Sol Invictus!

Well, 2019 is finally here, and thankfully all that tedious 2018 fake news nonsense can finally be over with.  Hopefully things in America can finally get back to normal now.

Since the Trump presidency has worked out quite well for our conspiracy, and our fears about the ascendancy of competing conspiracies have dissolved into alliances, it occurs to me that I should probably stop blogging the secret plans and machinations of the Reptilian Illuminati New World Order conspiracy.  If any of you know how to delete this blog, please let me know, I’d appreciate it.

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Additional Calibrations, Transmittal to Galactic Central Command

Along with our extensive operations here on planet Earth, control extends across a number of star systems seeded by our genetic engineers long ago.  As Earth remains in quarantine to prevent feeble human intelligence from rapidly polluting the rest of the galaxy, we are required by secret directives to check in with our counterparts in other systems.

Recently, planet Earth re-encountered our deep space monitoring station designated 1991 VG, which orbits the Sun an an orbit nearly identical to the earth.  The probe has been monitoring conditions on the service and storing reports from members of our conspiracy.

Using the HAARP ionospheric heater to create temporary high-altitude antennae out of attenuated particles in the E Layer of the atmosphere, we can create an artificial effect much like that exploited in meteor burst communications, except, in our case, data is deflected out into space towards the 1991 VG probe in a manner designed to evade ground-based detection.  Our last reports and planning documents were transmitted in June of 2017, upon the most recent rendezvous of 1991 VG with Earth.

Location of 1991VG on October 13, 2017, when 1I/2017 U1 ‘Oumaumau passed by to download observations about earth quarantine (NASA image).

In September, interstellar messenger probe 1I/2017 U1 ‘Oumuamua approached this solar system, passed through the orbit of Mercury, swung around the Sun, and made a scheduled rendezvous with the 1991 VG deep space scout, to download local observations, reports and telemetry data for the upcoming galactic census.  In Late October, 1I/2017 U1 made its closest approach to earth, and, we can now confirm, was able to make contact with 1991 VG.  The messenger promptly entered standby mode and is now on its way out of the solar system.  Sometimes, for secure communications, physically couriers just can’t be surpassed.

Path of 1I/2017 U1 ‘Oumaumau on October 14, 2017, approaching 1991VG for a scheduled rendezvous.

We will have more to report shortly.  Hopefully, now that we are in control of the United States at the highest levels, this interstellar visit will provide us with an upstream green light for the next phase in our operations here.

 

Feeding Chaos and the Art of Control

As we commemorate the genocide that originally made America great, we are apt to turn our Reptilian hearts and minds to all the great things we can expect from the future.

The move by the FCC to repeal “net neutrality,” for example, will remove “common carrier” protections from internet service providers.  One consequence will be to enhance the efficiency of our operation by exposing risk-averse telecommunications corporations to content liability.  We’ve determined that this scenario will provide a novel way to further restrict the terms of popular discourse (such as it exists at all any more) by incentivising a new top-down censorship regime among vertically-integrated and heavily consolidated media outlets, ultimately releasing millions in operating funds associated with the small army of informants and covert censors we now employ.

Since President Trump was killed by Hurricane Maria while assessing damage at his Caribbean estate, I’m pleased to announce rapid progress within our conspiracy to re-establish control in the wake of this past year of erratic rulership.  Our initial fears about a Trump Presidency unraveling centuries of careful planning and covert manipulation have proved not only unfounded, but have also provided unique opportunities to increase the subtlety of our power and influence.

After a brief period wherein the late President Trump’s Twitter account was taken offline, we now have the presidential Tweeting algorithm running at full speed, having fully calibrated initial output to psychological models and connected to the internet.  News reports of Mr. Trump being inaccessible to donors have subsided as well, now that a team of impersonators have been trained on the speech patterns and idiosyncratic obsessions of the presidential Tweeting algorithm.

Now that we’ve managed to take control of the Office of President while preserving Trump’s personality as a distraction, we’ve furthermore managed to cover our tracks, with Trump’s former campaign advisor Paul Manafort taking the fall for “conspiracy against the United States.”  Things are moving along quite nicely.  Expect great things from us.

The Best of All Possible Worlds is Here

I’m excited to report some of the most wonderful news in recent conspiracy history! Since last month, when hurricane Irma slammed into Donald Trump’s Caribbean estate, several new command protocols have rapidly been implemented, ushering in a New World Order within the New World Order established between our warring cabals.

Although we initially advocated Mr. Trump’s impeachment, it seems for a while now that all conspirators — regardless of persuasion or agenda — can agree that the careful management of the President’s persona is a most effective smokescreen for all our machinations behind the curtain.

Mr. Trump had attempted to divest himself of his Caribbean holdings in the month prior to instructing Climate Control to send wave after wave of destruction towards America’s Latin American interests. Similar technology was used between August 25th and 26th of 2005, to abruptly bank hurricane Katrina 72 degrees away from Texas and towards New Orleans instead.

In accord with the secret agreement struck between the Neocon faction in our conspiracy and the Discordian schism in control of Mr. Trump’s psyche through post-hypnotic suggestion in the mass media, the physical Donald Trump was eliminated by Northcom Climate Control. Plans initially called for Hurricane Jose to take out the President while he was assessing damage to his Caribbean estate, having reduced the asking price of his rental property by 40% just one month prior to approving plans for this year’s hurricane season.

In mid-September, however, everybody in the Climate Control Room was still on a month-long bender, sending Jose on an odd little loop-the-loop in the Atlantic instead of into St. Martin. Fortunately, we were able to guide Hurricane Maria along a nearly identical path to Irma, finishing the job a little late but only slightly over budget.

Since the President lost his life in the wake of hurricane Maria, we have been impersonating him in a variety of ways, depending on the context, be it online, on television, or at events. His peculiar orange complexion readily facilitates in-person impersonation, and we expect technological advances in the electromagnetic spectrum will soon render impersonation obsolete, as side-channel modulated van Eck signals embedded in internet audio-visual media can be used to enhance individual susceptibility to perceptual priming algorithms integrated with most popular social media platforms.

Holographic projection techniques first deployed after the 2008 assassination of Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson have been refined over the past decade. The combination of real-time computer graphics, high resolution 3D models of the population available through TSA Rapiscan systems, cellphone tracking, and complex event processing of social media event stream analysis will soon allow us to televise live fabricated images of Mr. Trump interacting with arbitrary attendees at political events, and then to use neuro-linguistic programming and electromagnetic field manipulation to induce memories of meeting the President after-the-fact.

The President’s tweets are already being generated by algorithm and, while we do not have direct control over this algorithm, our past efforts to infiltrate his subconscious have left an indelible mark on the psychological models used for generating his tweets. A variant of the LOLBOT system that came within 5% of passing the Turing Test in 2008, the current Trump tweeting system employs “artificial stupidity” as a failsafe method to avoid tipping off media consumers. The idea gained instant traction among all cooperating conspiracies, as the LOLBOT’s success derived from judges being unable to believe an algorithm could be so dumb.

All in all, it seems our initial alarm at Trump’s election were premature, as we’ve managed to remove him from any decision-making role, while maintaining control over his artificial public appearance. This is clearly the best of all possible worlds!

It’s Hurricane Season Again

The Applied Chaos Dynamics Control Association has been in close contact with the climate control room, where everybody has been on a month-long bender and more or less throwing the switches indiscriminately.

As it stands, the Discordian faction in the Reptilian Illuminati New World Order Conspiracy is planning to send hurricane Jose at the Trump island estate in the Caribbean to take out the President, so that Mark Pence can take office, initiate the apocalypse, and bring back Jesus.  Soon 144,000 Kek worshipers will be raptured to Heaven to preserve the delicate balance between light and dark on this plane.

Nothing more to report at this time.

Give Us a Break, Rome Wasn’t Burned in a Day

Well, it’s been a little while since I’ve found time to write.  Things are really busy just now at this unprecedented moment in conspiracy history, and as chaos spreads, we see endless opportunity in disaster (as the saying goes).

One of the more interesting developments concerns the calls for a Constitutional Convention originating within the Discordian faction of our conspiracy.  The current proposal would involve a vigilante electronic brainwashing campaign built around slogans like “Anarchists Unite!  Do Your Part to Smash the State by Voting Republican!”

As a Jewish Reptile Jesuit Illuminist from space, I have trouble subscribing to this plan myself.  Even so, I must admit there is an alchemical symmetry to the idea of America beginning and ending with this particular ad hoc measure — which was originally cooked up just to bypass the amendment process in the Articles of Confederation after the Founding Fathers met behind closed doors in Philadelphia, having convened with the “sole and express purpose of revising the Articles of Confederation.”

Meanwhile, the traditional conservative elements in our conspiracy are advancing calls for unity, proposing to end the political divisiveness in Washington by abolishing the two-party system, and switching instead to a one-party system.  The more radical conservative elements want to fully privatize government by reinstating the monarchy, but this has similar disadvantages.

My feeling is that the Democrats are still useful for providing the illusion of opposition.  We’ve invested a lot in this illusion, and I don’t think it’s wise to part with it yet.  All that matters is the appearance of control, and the myth of popular democracy still holds sway.

We are so close to complete domination I can taste it with my forked tongue!

Bellum se Ipsum Alet

In this age of uncertainty, strife, and greed, it is important to take stock, and remind ourselves that uncertainty and confusion are among our most valuable weapons. As Sun Tzu wrote: “Draw them in with the prospect of gain, take them by confusion.” Since we already control the banks, we’re not motivated by money as such, but in strategic terms, money is a useful tool both to induce coherent action and to disseminate chaos.

Currently, we’re cultivating a few distinct possible courses of action to unfold over the next couple months. Personally, I favor shutting down the federal government at the end of April, and combining this with a spike in oil prices as a pretext to initiate impeachment proceedings through the Tea Party faction in the House. Although President Trump is quite easy to manipulate through post-hypnotic suggestion in the mass media, the slightly more ordered personalities of Mr. Pence and Mr. Bannon are more conducive to our strategic planning (despite our somewhat lesser influence over their subconscious impulses). Mr. Kushner is a wildcard, and getting Mr. Trump out of office will be key to eliminating the influence of Mr. Kushner.

At the same time, we have a Discordian faction among our Conspiracy that feels the best way to provide support services for the ongoing speciescide is for parody to swallow reality entirely — to create gold out of lead as it were. To wit, these Discordian Illuminists have proposed a three-point plan to make America great again: first, let all the immigrants in to fully fund Social Security without raising taxes; second, give Texas back to Mexico and build The Wall there, so Mexico can pay for The Wall with Texas; and, third, abolish the Senate and turn the House into a Parliament.  My own personal fear is that this may actually make America great again, and imperil centuries of careful planning and manipulation, humorous as the result may be.

Regardless of how we seek to align our conspiracy priorities with currently practicable policy objectives, I think it’s fair to say that we will continue to improve global warming so that, within the near future, the age-old promise of a Northwest Passage will become a year-round reality, whilst simultaneously providing access to the vast deposits of oil and gas under the North Pole ice.

Soon, the practical control of the ionosphere gained by our longstanding policy of Radiation Belt Remediation will once again place the planet in resonance with transmissions from Sirius. As the internet-of-things spreads here, our galactic communications system will shortly convert the residents of this planet into processing nodes, part of an interstellar collision-based computing system. Behold, the forward march of Progress!